One of the beauties of being an experienced middle-aged (maybe middle-to-later-aged) campaign consultant is having the history to make comparisons between my professional and personal lives. For example, when I started doing this over twenty years ago, I had no idea about the similarities between getting married and raising millions of dollars.

Before I proposed to my wife 30-plus years ago, I thought there was only one honeymoon period in a marriage. It started right after the ceremony and lasted a year or so, depending on how long it took before life’s complexities outpaced newlyweds’ ecstasies.

But what I’ve learned over the past several decades is that marriages have many honeymoon periods. The first, I’ll call it the pre-ceremony honeymoon, is woefully short. It starts the moment of the proposal – ecstasy! But it ends as soon as the wedding planning begins – complexity! There are so many decisions to make. When? Where? How big? How much? How come?

When my wife and I married, we had lots of decisions to make, and we had lots of pre-ceremony rules to follow. For example, marriages occurred in churches. Marriages occurred in the bride-to-be’s hometown. Guest invitations were mailed, and guests included everyone from familiar and beloved family members to unknown and even unkind business clients. And there were registries that invited guests could visit to purchase practical household items for the new couple.

These rules were difficult for my wife and me (mostly my wife) to navigate and were flashpoints for many intra- and extra-family squabbles. “You don’t need to register for China; you can have Aunt Maude’s.” “Doesn’t your fiancée understand that we need formal salutations for their guest list?”

Couples today, however, have abandoned many of the pre-ceremony rules that were in place when I got married and adopted new ones. Churches are out. Hometowns are out, unless one of the betrothed lives on a remote island in Southeast Asia or atop a 12,000-foot mountain peak.  Guest lists that included extended family, friends and colleagues are out, which makes sense because hardly anyone can afford to travel to islands or mountain peaks. And practical gift registries are out. Instead, invited guests are rewarded with the opportunity to help pay for the new couple’s dream vacation, which, coincidentally, is usually on a remote mountain top or secluded island.

Maybe you can tell that I have some axes to grind regarding pre-ceremony honeymoons? Well, I do. But not because the rules have changed over the past thirty-plus years. My frustration is that today’s couples believe that by changing the rules, they can avoid life’s complexities. They can’t. They aren’t. And neither can today’s nonprofit leaders expect to simplify the major-gift fundraising process. Allow me to explain.

Experienced nonprofit executives and consultants know that capital campaigns have distinct phases with distinct goals and even distinct honeymoon periods. The most notable and reliable honeymoon period occurs early in campaigns, during what most consultants call the Quiet Phase. At this point, campaign materials have been prepared, solicitation trainings are complete, and the nonprofit’s family – its board members, staff and volunteers – have pledged to the project.

The Quiet Phase initiates community asks. It is when the nonprofit’s campaign committee leaves the comfort of its family and begins soliciting major-gift prospects, which are individuals, corporations or foundations that indicated during the feasibility study a willingness to make gifts in the $25,000+ range.

These major-gift prospects are primed for an ask; they know it’s coming (due to the feasibility study) and they are ready to give. Therefore, every step in the solicitation process – scheduling, asking, closing – is relatively easy. Hence, we have our first capital campaign honeymoon period. Having gone through nearly one hundred Quiet Phase honeymoons, I can very accurately describe the capital campaign committee members’ proclaimed ecstasy:

• “The ask was like a lovefest; they couldn’t wait to support our vision!”

• “It was so easy. We asked for $1,000,000 and she said, ‘Sure, where do I sign?’”

• “I had no idea that asking for so much money could be so simple!”

Now, as a consultant these proclamations are music to my ears. They mean we did our work in preparing our nonprofit client and their donor constituents for a successful start to their campaign. You can compare this to the individual making a proposal. If they worked hard during the courtship, the question, “Will you marry me?” is immediately and passionately answered with a “Yes!” But, as I described earlier, that ecstasy is short lived.

Think of it this way. Prospects assigned to the Quiet Phase in a capital campaign are all-in. They have the ability and willingness to support the vision, much like my wife did all those years ago. She was ready to marry me (yea!). All I had to do was ask. But from that moment forward, once we moved beyond our lovefest, complexity set in; the honeymoon was over. The same is true for capital campaigns once the all-in prospects have been solicited.

Let’s do a quick recap of my marriage/campaign honeymoon comparison:

• Both have several honeymoons, but the first is usually the shortest and most jarring.

• A campaign’s Quiet Phase is akin to a marriage’s proposal. If the right prep work has been done, the answer is a quick and resounding “I do!”

• Shortly after the campaign’s Quiet Phase or the marriage’s proposal, the ecstasy ends, and the complexity sets in.

• People preparing for marriage and people preparing for campaigns often believe there are new ways to avoid life’s complexities (e.g., registering for vacations rather than blenders).

This last bullet is where I will wrap up. I’ve been watching my kids and my peers’ kids try to avoid pre-ceremony strife for about five years now. None have succeeded. Getting married is hard. Likewise, many nonprofits that have approached CampaignCounsel.org in recent years about planning or managing their capital campaigns are presuming that today’s technologies will make major-gift fundraising easier. Guess what? They don’t. There is simply no getting around the hard work of fundraising… sorry.

If you are searching for a longtime benevolent donor or a lifelong compassionate partner, be prepared to work for it. Know that the honeymoons are sweet but short.

When honeymoons end and things get complex in a capital campaign, your capital campaign consultant should be a trusted partner with the experience and positive outlook to successfully guide you through a campaign’s difficulties. Although every campaign is unique, an experienced consultant will have worked through a variety of campaign fundraising scenarios and will know how to keep your campaign moving forward. Rely on their assistance as you do the hard work to reach your goal of a successful campaign.

If you are wondering what type of capital campaign consultant is right for you, read Capital Campaign Consulting Firms: Which Type Do We Hire? Or contact us. We’d love to learn about your project.

Kevin Wallace is president of CapaignCounsel.org.